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<p>I have been writing articles for a

Clients from Hell - 25 May 2020 - 2:00pm

I have been writing articles for a client for a long time, with no issues. Suddenly, my articles are being returned with lots of corrections needed, all in capitals.

Client: These articles are VERY IMPORTANT. Facts only! NO FLUFF. NO FILLERS. It should be of the HIGHEST QUALITY. I need this to be thoughtfully written.

Ok, it WAS thoughtfully written, but I was happy to rewrite. Sent in the revision, still no good.. 

Client: Please combine facts to one the best-ever review. NO FLUFF, facts ONLY.

I rewrite as cold, hard facts. NOPE.

Client: We’re VERY unhappy. We need it similar to THIS website 

That would have been helpful in the first place. Anyway, I checked out the example website. It’s a first-person, conversational-style blog (with shocking syntax, spelling and grammar I might add). It’s pretty much just someone’s opinion-based review of the product.

So, BRB I guess. I’m off to THOUGHTFULLY write a conversational-style piece with only facts, no fillers, creating “one the best ever review.”

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4000+ Vector logos and icons for only $14 — 98% off!

Clients from Hell - 24 May 2020 - 3:00pm
4000+ Vector logos and icons for only $14 — 98% off!

This week’s deal is on 4000+ labels, logos, icons and more for 98% off!

> Seriously, there are A LOT of neat toys in this one. 

You’re a great designer, but that doesn’t mean you have to personally create every last element in your next branding package. These 4000+ elements will help fill in the gaps and inspire you to try new things, all in fully-editable vector formats, and at only $14 you’ll save time and money using these tools. 

Normally this bundle would sell for $800, but this week it’s only $14 or 98% off the typical asking price. That’s a huge discount on a great product.

> Check it out! 

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<p>Client: Can you proofread and edit

Clients from Hell - 24 May 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: Can you proofread and edit this for me?

Me: Sure, send me a sample and I’ll let you know how long it takes.

Client emails me a .docx file and I quickly go through it.

Me: Yeah, this will take at least a week and cost $XXX.

Client: What? Why? It should be a quick edit – there are no red squiggly lines in Word.

The Client was very sweet. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that every word was spelled correctly, but the majority of the sentences didn’t make sense.

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Uttoxeter Canal

CUCT News - 23 May 2020 - 4:32pm
Uttoxeter Canal CUCT Sat, 23/05/2020 - 16:32

<p>This is, unfortunately, a near daily

Clients from Hell - 23 May 2020 - 3:00pm

This is, unfortunately, a near daily occurrence for me.

Client: I would like to set up an appointment with you for today.

Me: Great! I am available from 3 pm-5 pm, or from 7 pm-9:30 pm. What time works for you?

Client: Let’s do 6 pm.

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<p>Client: Take this 2&#8243;x10&#8243;

Clients from Hell - 23 May 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: Take this 2″x10″ finished ad and make it fit into a 3″x3″ space. Don’t rebuild it, don’t stretch it and don’t cut anything off. Just make it fit.

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<p>I’m a web designer, and I offer a

Clients from Hell - 22 May 2020 - 3:00pm

I’m a web designer, and I offer a service where I setup a server with a working CMS system on it for 30 bucks. It doesn’t take me long, and it helps bring in clients.

Client: I want a website for my company.

We spoke through all the details and it was a big job. He wanted a site, full eCommerce integration and even a year’s worth of SEO services.

Right before I said goodbye:

Client: Can we talk about the price? $30 is a bit much – I’ve just started my business.

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<p>Client: We’ve got a last minute free

Clients from Hell - 22 May 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: We’ve got a last minute free ad booking with a magazine and need you to prepare a final artwork file for them.

Me: Sure, what are the ad specs, file requirements and when do they need it by?

Client: Why are you bothering me with these questions? Aren’t you supposed to be a creative agency? Use your creativity.

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<p>I work at a musical instruments

Clients from Hell - 21 May 2020 - 3:00pm

I work at a musical instruments store, and one day someone started a chat conversation on our website like this:

Client: Hi. I have 2 dreams: one is to learn how to play the saxophone, and the other is to pay a $3000 bill that I have. Can you help me? $500 already helps.


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<p>I was commissioned to do some market

Clients from Hell - 21 May 2020 - 2:00pm

I was commissioned to do some market sizing for a well-recognized, global financial services firm. The job was to size a market and to identify future growth opportunities for a major report they were doing.

I identified the market size and plotted a growth projection, the client seemed really happy. Two months later the report is published online and I check out our research, all of the figures had been inflated by at least six times creating a significant lie that was attributed to our company.

Me: Hi, I think there’s a problem with the figures in the report, they don’t match our findings, have you gone to print yet?

Client: Work in your own interests and don’t ever undermine me again.

Me: I will always tell the truth about this when asked.

Never worked with him again.

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<p>I’m a music supervisor and was

Clients from Hell - 20 May 2020 - 3:00pm

I’m a music supervisor and was working on a video project so secretive they couldn’t release the footage from the edit suite. Every day I had to make the 40 minute trip across the city to look at the new edits, so I could brief my team, with very little information other than having watched the films.

One morning I got a call from the producer on the job – the Executive Creative Director had “something he wants to show me.” I grabbed my notebook and headed over in hammering rain.

The ECD sat in front of a platter of sushi, looking oh so advertising. When he saw me, he grinned and played me the same movie I’d seen before, except synchronised with the track “Surfing Bird.”

Me: Okay, so if this is the direction you want to go, what do you want me to find? Are we looking for a track with guitars? Do you like the pace and energy? What stands out to you?

Client: I don’t know, it just works.

Then he folded his arms, closed his eyes and pretended to fall asleep.

The whole exchange took about 10 minutes. I drove back to my team with no new information except that the ECD is a jagoff.

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<p>Client: We need more design in this.

Clients from Hell - 20 May 2020 - 2:31pm

Client: We need more design in this.

Me: More design as in?

Client: I don’t know. I ate too much rice and can’t think of anything.

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IWA talk - bringing the Uttoxeter Canal back to life

CUCT News - 19 May 2020 - 6:07pm
IWA talk - bringing the Uttoxeter Canal back to life CUCT Tue, 19/05/2020 - 18:07

Steve Wood recently gave an online talk about the Uttoxeter Canal at the invitation of Inland Waterways Association Shrewsbury & North Wales Branch. The Webinar can now be viewed via the IWA YouTube channel.


Clients from Hell - 19 May 2020 - 3:00pm

I’d spent three weeks on a client’s website, and had redone the design 3 times before eventually paying (out of my pocket) for a template he demanded he wanted instead of a custom build one.

Two hours before the site had to go live, he send an email with a drawing.

Client: This is what I want the website to look like.

Me: It’s a pencil drawing, and the website has to be live in 2 hours.

Client: It will be quick, I already gave you this layout [he was referring to the drawing] so I did most of the work for you.

Me: What about the template you wanted and I paid for.

Client: You can use that for other clients, I’m not paying back what you spent.

I just cancelled the job right there. I was pushed around for 3 weeks and after losing money already I knew he wasn’t going to pay the bill, so I didn’t spend more time on a wasted project.

The post undecided appeared first on Clients From Hell.

<p>I run a small Fiverr Gig where I

Clients from Hell - 19 May 2020 - 2:00pm

I run a small Fiverr Gig where I design low poly renders for clients, and one day I get a very simple order. 

Client: Hello I would like a jumping kangaroo. The kangaroo is purple and the background to be green. I would like it setup like the bull. I would like it to look like “kangaroohopping01.jpg” but have included other materials as reference.

Me: Alright, I’ll get this out to you ASAP.

Client: Many thanks for your time on this.

Later that

Me: Here’s a first draft. Please let me know what changes you would like to see done, and I’ll do them immediately. 

I tried contacting him 4 more times over the next two days. And when none of the contacts worked, I delivered the order, which took three days to finalize, because he would not confirm that it was done.

About two weeks later, I got a review.

Client: Good Experience, 3/5 stars on communication.

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Work parties

CUCT News - 18 May 2020 - 5:43pm
Work parties CUCT Mon, 18/05/2020 - 17:43

<p>I’m a real estate appraiser,

Clients from Hell - 18 May 2020 - 3:00pm

I’m a real estate appraiser, performing an inspection on a client’s property. The client follows me down to the basement as I’m inspecting. The carpet is rolled up in the corner, the bare concrete is wet, there’s 4 large box fans and a dehumidifier running, and I see little black spots running about 6 inches up every wall.

Me: Looks like your basement had a pretty bad leak during that last storm.

Client: Oh, no, no, we were just… washing the floor.

Me: Uh… huh… Well it looks like you’ve got some mold damage along the walls. I know your bank doesn’t usually lend on properties with mold damage, but I’ll try to do what I can for you and recommend they opt to have me come back for a final inspection to make sure it’s been cleaned and repaired.

Client: That’s not mold.

I’ve taken several classes on house born molds. I’ve seen mold in houses a hundred times. This was absolutely, 100% mold.

Me: It isn’t? Are you sure it’s not mold?

Client: No, no, it’s not mold.

Me: Even if it wasn’t, it’s still some sort of damage, what is it?

Client: It’s… It’s just not mold. I’m positive it isn’t mold.

Me: Have you had a mold inspector check it out?

Client: Not yet, he’s coming tomorrow.

I internally facepalm, while maintaining a smile. He knows its mold. I know it’s mold. He doesn’t want me to know it’s mold. I know far better than him that it’s mold. A few weeks later I receive another order to go back out for a final inspection with one line of instructions: “Verify that the mold has been removed.”

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<p>I’m a voice actor, working primarily

Clients from Hell - 18 May 2020 - 2:00pm

I’m a voice actor, working primarily in narrating audiobooks.  I mostly narrate for various publishing houses that cast actors for books, but occasionally take on projects independently.

On the whole, it’s a very fun and creative field of work, but unfortunately, many authors (even experienced ones) have no FREAKING CLUE about what goes into producing an audiobook.  It’s a time-consuming, rigorous business that requires lots of stamina and concentration from the actor, and very meticulous editing, mixing, and mastering by the producer.  I, like many narrators, often narrate AND produce the book altogether.

One particular author was just so narcissistic and delusional that I just had to share.

Client: I really like your audition – we’ll definitely discuss the fact that the voice for [minor character] was way off-base, but overall, solid work.  I’d like you to narrate the book!

I rolled my eyes at the “way off-base” comment, but I shrugged it off and start a dialogue.

Me: Glad you liked it!  I typically charge between $XXX and $XXX per finished hour for a book of this word count.

Side note: “per finished hour” refers to the final, edited running time of the book, since raw audio might contain extraneous sounds, such as the narrator taking a sharp breath or swallowing, cough, etc).  That final number multiplied by the rate one quotes equals the final pay.

Client: I only offer 70/30 royalty share deals to narrators (that’s 70% for him, 30% for me), which I think is more than reasonable.  But it will be lucrative for you – I have a large following and got many good reviews on my last novel.

I checked social media, only to discover that his website domain resulted in a “404 Not Found” error, and he only has 83 Twitter followers and his page was mostly just re-tweets of philosophical quotes. So no following, most likely no sales.

Me: I’m sorry, I unfortunately cannot accept projects on a strictly royalty-share basis. It’s too great a risk for the amount of work that will go into the project.  I hope you understand.  I really do like the story, so if you’d be at all willing to agree to a flat rate buyout, I will gladly take on the project.

Client: Okay, first of all, there are way too many overly-entitled narrators out there who expect to be paid to just sit in a chair behind a microphone and read a book out loud.  I read out loud to my children every night before bed – do I expect someone to pay me to do that?  Second, this is probably going to become a movie. I’ve already started drafting a screenplay and will be pitching it to some producers.  I can envision Jon Hamm playing the lead role. I was hoping to establish a working relationship with a narrator who would be willing to accept my fair aforementioned royalty share agreement.  That is my final offer.

Me: I really am sorry, but I will not be able to commit to the project on those terms.  I wish you the best in your endeavors.

I figured that was the end of it. Then, three weeks later:

 Client: I have decided on another narrator.  Had you accepted the offer, I might have been willing to let you do the opening narration of the movie version when the time came.

Me: ….

Note: This exchange happened 3 years ago.  To this day I still haven’t seen the audiobook anywhere online.  Hopefully whatever narrator he chose saw the light and bailed.

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Get the best of the best design elements for only $21 — 94% off!

Clients from Hell - 17 May 2020 - 3:00pm
Get the best of the best design elements for only $21 — 94% off! 

This week’s deal bundles together a series of other bundles. It’s awesome.

> Take a look. There’s so much cool stuff here.

This is a seriously useful bundle of elements, combining textures, patterns, masks and vector illustrations. Frankly, the pack of retro diagram illustrations, including retro video game consoles, alone is worth the price. You could probably produce a couple of the textures or masks in this bundle yourself, but ask yourself: “if I paid myself for my time, could I do it for less than $21?” The answer is no, of course not. Treat yourself. There are thousands of awesome elements here that will make your job so much easier for a great price. Sell one design with one element, you’ve made your money back. Sell dozens? You’re laughing all the way to the bank.

Normally everything here would sell for $375 — which is already a great price — but this week you can get all included 26 bundles for just $21 or 94% off

> Check out the deal here.

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<p>I am a personal assistant for

Clients from Hell - 17 May 2020 - 2:00pm

I am a personal assistant for several people in NYC. My main client cut back the hours she needs me. This led to a frank discussion about money and why I was looking for new clients.

Client: Why are you looking for more work? I cut back your hours because you were going on so many trips. You seemed financially fine.

Me I’m sorry, but you don’t get to choose how well off I am or not and then cut my hours based on that.

Client: I don’t know why you’re upset with me about that.

Me: Because what you did was incredibly presumptuous and has hurt me monetarily.

Client Well, let me think about this and maybe I’ll schedule you for more hours.

At which point she cut my hours even more.

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