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No, thank you.

Clients from Hell - 10 December 2020 - 4:00pm

Client: (dry coughing repeatedly on the phone) Come on, you can come into the office. This whole virus thing is fake, everyone knows it. 

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What date is the May 30th event?

Clients from Hell - 10 December 2020 - 3:00pm

Client: Hello! When will you give more details about your May 30th event?

Me: Details are online at .

Client: Thank you for the link, but there is no date anywhere?

Me: No date for the May 30th event?

Client: So it’s on May 30th?

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No thank you

Clients from Hell - 10 December 2020 - 2:00pm

Me: This will take about three days to turn around.

Client: You’re working from home because of the whole covid thing, right? You can probably turn it around faster if you’re not going anywhere. 

Just because he’s right doesn’t mean he’s not an asshole.

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Unfair pay

Clients from Hell - 9 December 2020 - 4:00pm

Client: Why should I pay you this? You’re making more per hour than I am.

Me: Because you need me to make the amount that you are making? Because what you’re paying yourself isn’t my problem? Because I DID THE WORK WE AGREED TO?

Client: It still feels unfair. 

Only to you, buddy.

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Dark and shimmery

Clients from Hell - 9 December 2020 - 3:00pm

Client: I want it to be dark and shimmery. And a little bit magical. 

Me: Okay… do you have any examples of what that would look like?

Client: I guess it’s more like a feeling – like if you’re falling in love in winter, you know?

Me: Not… really?

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Be grateful!

Clients from Hell - 9 December 2020 - 2:36pm

Client: I referred you to a client!

Me: Great! Thank you.

Client: They’re my church. They can’t pay you, but they need a LOT done. I told them you were still starting out so you probably would do it for free.

Me: 

Client: I’ll try to find other ways to expand your business so you can get better at this! 

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How much does it cost?

Clients from Hell - 8 December 2020 - 4:00pm
One of the most common questions I get is “how much does a website cost?”. I always try to figure out what they want before I give any price, but this client couldn’t really formulate any clear idea, or provide any examples of anything that he liked or disliked, nor could he tell me what kind of features he wanted (blog, gallery, whatever). Let’s note that this guy works in construction.  

Client: HOW MUCH DOES A WEBSITE COST! I want something nice and simple! How hard can it be to give me a price, it’s not rocket science!

Me: Let’s put it this way: how much does a house cost?

Client: Well what do you want? I can make a plain-level one-bedroom place with a small but open kitchen and living room, or I can make a larger 3-level home with a double garage, three bathrooms…

Me: I JUST WANT A HOUSE! How much does it cost? Why can’t you tell me? It’s not rocket science!

Turns out what he wanted was to have a domain point to his Facebook page.

When’s the last time you FINALLY got through to a client?

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You’ve got time

Clients from Hell - 8 December 2020 - 3:00pm

Client: I need this by tomorrow morning.

Me: That’s impossible It’s 7 PM, and it’s going to take at least nine hours of focused work. 

Client: Get it to me by 9 AM. That’s 14 hours from now. What’s the problem? 

Me: Sleep? Feeding my family? 

Client: I believe in you!

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Great suggestion

Clients from Hell - 8 December 2020 - 2:00pm
Client: Maybe put like a shadow-y, bubble-y, smudge-y texture behind them to make them pop?   GREAT Suggestion from some random employee CC’d on a group thread.

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You but not me

Clients from Hell - 7 December 2020 - 4:00pm

Client: Can you come into the office?

Me: Uh… I’d rather not, what with the pandemic and everything.

Client: Please? It will just make explaining the job so much easier. We’re being very safe with distancing and masks. 

Me: …Fine. When should I meet you?

Client: Oh, I won’t be there. But you can talk to my assistant. 

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RGB but make it PANTONE

Clients from Hell - 7 December 2020 - 3:00pm

I had a client who I worked with remotely. He had an inkjet printer in his office. He kept insisting that the website was not the correct shade of blue and orange despite the fact that we used his hex codes. When we pressed him and insisted that there was no issue, it was because he was printing out the webpages and upset that the colors did not match exactly. He then asked me to change the HEX so that it would match his printed items (when he printed out the website).

I did it for as long as it took him to print his website and okay everything, then I changed the hex values back immediately.

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Can my son help?

Clients from Hell - 7 December 2020 - 2:04pm

Client: My son is an aspiring designer. Can he help you on this?

Me: I work from home, so that might be awkward.

Client: Come on! As a favor? He’s really good.

Me: Fine, I guess. 

Client: Great! You can pay him out of what I’m paying you. Whatever you think is fair, though.

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Get a great gift for the drinking buddy you can’t see this year – only $14!

Clients from Hell - 6 December 2020 - 4:00pm

This week’s deal is on a deck of playing cards that will make you more knowledgeable about one of the world’s most popular libations: beer!

At only $14, it’s a perfect gift for the person in your life who you can’t raise a glass with in 2020. 

Flashcards are a proven way to learn a lot of information fast, and card games are a timeless way of having fun. Combine those two truths with interesting facts about beer, how it’s made, and how to appreciate it and you have a recipe for a deeper appreciation of a fine ale! Made with premium, paper cardstock and crafted with beautiful designs, this is a great stocking stuffer for the beer lover in your life.

Normally priced at $20 per deck, this week you can buy someone this great gift for only $14 plus shipping.

Check out the deal here.

 

 

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Blue is the warmest color

Clients from Hell - 6 December 2020 - 2:00pm

A client hired me for a photo shoot of her and her family in the fall. She had to reschedule a number of times and we began to run out of time to shoot on season. Finally, we figured out a day that worked for her whole family and we shot it in the local park.

Client: The photos are great but I wish there were more leaves on the trees. I really wanted that warm autumn coloring.

Me:  I can definitely do a bit of re-touching to pump up the colors.

I went ahead and did that.

Client: Oh, great! I love them! So warm and beautiful.

A few days later, she added me on Facebook and I saw that she posted the pictures.

She put a blue Instagram filter on all of them.

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It’s all up to date

Clients from Hell - 5 December 2020 - 4:00pm

I was calling company clients as part of a broader campaign to make sure that our files were up to date. One client was an older couple in their 60s who were hard of hearing. I did my best to explain I needed them to fill out a form for their details. The husband got quite mad:

Client: We’re already clients! We don’t need to fill out any forms! Don’t try to take advantage of us!

Me: No, that’s not it. I’m not trying to sell you any additional services, we’re just trying to make sure the forms we have are up to date. 

Client: Everything is up to date! 

Me: I’m sorry sir, I didn’t mean to upset you.

Client: Don’t phone us! If you need to get in touch, send an email!

Me: Okay, I can note that. Just to clarify, is your email address stil-

Client: YES! EVERYTHING IS UP TO DATE!

I sent him the form via email… and got a delivery error in response.

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Hope that clears things up!

Clients from Hell - 5 December 2020 - 3:00pm

I’m not a professional designer by any means but I enjoy doing graphic design a lot and can produce some decent stuff. I’ve been interning at a small NGO the past three months and was mainly designing posters, Facebook covers and flyers for their events (all on a crappy laptop with GIMP…). They often made me change things up a million times (“How would it look like if you put the logo like 3px to the left? Make it a tiny bit larger? Why didn’t you fill ALL the space up completely?”) or changed their mind about titles and info text the moment I finished etc. Because I still really like their cause and wanted to support them after my internship ended, I told them I could do some more stuff for them if I had time but they needed to be precise in telling me what they want because I don’t have the time to do round after round of revisions.

Yesterday:

Client: Hey! We’re doing a video series. Can you come up with something using our logo and the hashtag?

Me: I can do that but what do you need exactly? A logo, a poster, a flyer…? Do you have any idea of the direction you want? Can you provide me with all the info you have already? I need clear instructions on what you want.

Client: Oh, sure! We need branding. The hashtag is [x] and you need to include our logo. I hope that clears things up!

Me:

A phone call later it turned out what they wanted was their logos and the hashtag to appear in the upper right corner of the video… They didn’t even send me the video. Still not sure what they expected me to send back.

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For Fax Sake

Clients from Hell - 5 December 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: What do you mean you can’t fax it? This is the 21st Century – everyone has a f*****g fax machine, fax it now!

I honestly cant remember the last time I saw a fax machine – let alone sent a fax.

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“I hear you, but I’m not listening.”

Clients from Hell - 4 December 2020 - 4:00pm

Since I’ve taken over design responsibilities at work (a non-commercial radio station), I seem to have a conversation like this at least twice a week with one particular coworker.

Coworker: Can you make a generic version of this graphic?

Me: Sure! But it will need to be reformatted, because this layout doesn’t work without some of the non-generic information. Would you like it to include [this info] or [that info]? They will be different sizes depending on what you choose.

Coworker: It needs to be generic, so if you can just make it look the same, that’d be great!

THE SAME AS WHAT.

I’m tired.

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Why did you follow directions?

Clients from Hell - 4 December 2020 - 3:05pm

I was hired as an animator. The project was a series of short clips for kids that was already a few seasons in. All the elements were delivered to me as rendered libraries of pre-assembled movements; all I had to do was follow the very detailed and timed storyboard and script. I was working under a director strictly as an animator, the job description was not for a creative position.

I did a batch of 4 episodes to start with, managed to make it pretty smooth having very little wiggle room working from pre-assembled generic renders.

Client: It’s not what we were expecting.

Me: It follows all the directions that were giving to me exactly.

Client: Why would we hire someone like you to follow directions?

At no point during the brief was I told they were loose guidelines or to “jazz it up” or “to see what I’d come up with.”

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Love, Well Actually

Clients from Hell - 4 December 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: I love it! I just made a few revision requests.

They suggested nearly 100 revisions, bringing the design closer to their (bad) initial idea.

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