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Book binding hell

Clients from Hell - 31 December 2020 - 3:00pm
I used to work at a design & print center. We regularly got students who would buy looseleaf textbooks and then come in to have them bound. This was usually pretty straightforward, but one guy was the worst:  

Me: I need this looseleaf textbook bound.

He passed it over. It was over 500 pages, and one corner was soaking wet with… something.

Me: You know this is wet right?

Client: Yeah…it happened this morning.

Me: If I punch this the paper is probably going to break

Client: I just need it done.

Me: Okaaaaaaaaay.

I started to punch it and the paper was literally disintegrating, I gave up after 5 minutes.

Me: Look, the more I’m trying to do this the more I am destroying it. I suggest you take it home and let it dry and then come back.

Client: That won’t work for me.

Me: Well, I can split it into 2 books so I don’t have to apply as much force when I put the coil through.

Client: That won’t work for me.

Me: If I keep doing this I’m going to waste my time and yours and you will have to spend more money on a replacement.

Client: So you’re saying it needs to dry out?

Me: Y E S

Client: Fiiiiiiiiiiiine

He took it back and stomped out angrily but dude – it’s not like I was the one who dropped his manuscript in his Shreddies this morning. 

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No web needed

Clients from Hell - 31 December 2020 - 2:00pm

My company provides subsidised websites for members of  our local Chamber of Commerce. They pay for the design and build, I supply low cost hosting and management. 

I had a potential client today phone me to say he wanted the free website  but he didn’t want to commit to the hosting fee in case things didn’t work out so he just wanted the website. 

Me: If I design and build the site with no hosting where would you put it?

I was expecting him to say a rival hosting service. Instead: 

Client: Oh on my PC here but I will keep it turned on all the time and we don’t use the land line at all.

Wow. 

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Credit where credit is due

Clients from Hell - 30 December 2020 - 4:00pm

A client asked me to put together a short promotional video for their business. 

Client: I thought it would be nice to include a “credits” reel with all my employees.

Nice thought. Except the credits were twice as long as the actual video which was meant to be sent to other businesses. 

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A racy request

Clients from Hell - 30 December 2020 - 3:00pm

I’m a makeup designer for a local live theatre, I have my services advertised on the internet. A supervisor from some branch business calls us.

Client: Would you do complicated makeup for non-actors? Say, applying full body makeup on office workers?

Me: I suppose you could do that. What kind of makeup would you need to be applied on office workers?

Client: Well we have a problem. Our executive-level manager will be visiting our branch later this month and all our employees are White. It wouldn’t look good if there were no employee diversity at our location. If we hired you could you work your magic on a few of our employees to make them look Black, or Chinese, or some other minority race?

YIKES. What’s the most insane thing a client has asked you?

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It’s not a competition, but if it is I win

Clients from Hell - 30 December 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: Thank you for working on this with such a tight turnaround. Can you believe I was up until 11:30 last night to get this done.

Me: I can. I worked until 3 AM to incorporate your revisions and get this printer ready for today.

Client: 

Client: You must have started work later, huh?

Me: 8:30 AM. 

Client: Wow, you work really hard.

WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS DOING?

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CMYK or RGB

Clients from Hell - 29 December 2020 - 4:00pm

Client: Please make the logo in RGB. It’s only 3 colors and CMYK is 4 colors, which will cost more.

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IT is IT, right?

Clients from Hell - 29 December 2020 - 3:00pm

This is a conversation I have with clients on an all-too-regular basis. 

Client: I have a family member/friend who knows how to set up a webpage.

Me: Do they know how to maintain WordPress and keep security up so it doesn’t get compromised?

Client: They know how to handle a computer.

Me: Let me put it this way. You’re a professional in [your profession], but do you think that makes you qualified to do [other profession]?

Client: Well, maybe not, but I would do that as a hobby.

Me: So you do agree, that I, with 15 years of experience in maintaining and securing WordPress sites, am surely more capable of doing this job, than anyone who just knows how to handle a computer and that my experience should be paid as such?

Client: Well, yeah, but still your prices are too high.

Me: Then try your luck and don’t come to me, when your site is hacked. 

It is really frustrating that there are still all those people around who think that paying an IT-guy his well-deserved price isn’t worthwhile. They really think that websites done with WIX or any other company who offer them as free or nearly free is a good idea. No, it isn’t.

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Purloined princesses

Clients from Hell - 29 December 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: For this newsletter, I want Elsa and Olaf telling our customers not to “let go” these deals.

Me: I can’t do that in good faith. Those are copyrighted characters, and if it gets to Disney they could sue both you and me.

Client: But why not? People use those characters all the time!  

Me: My advice is to Let It Go. 

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Overnight printing? More like next morning printing.

Clients from Hell - 28 December 2020 - 4:00pm

Me: Okay, since you want this by tomorrow I have to charge you overnight printing. 

Client: Do you actually print it overnight?

Me: Well, no. We’ll move the schedule around and print it tomorrow morning sometime. 

Client: Then I’m not paying for overnight. Don’t rip me off.

Guess I should have said “next morning” printing. 

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Fall from warmth

Clients from Hell - 28 December 2020 - 3:00pm

Client: I want a cool color, like yellow or red.

Me: Yellow and red are considered “warm” colors, traditionally.

Client: That’s dumb. Yellow and red are fall colors, and fall is cool.  

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Drunk texting client

Clients from Hell - 28 December 2020 - 2:00pm

I got a drunk text from a client at 3 AM:

Client: hey what’s going on you up?

Me: Uh… I think you have the wrong person. I’m your site designer.

I talked to them a few days later. They shared that yes, they were drunk, and yes, they did accidentally use my number.

Client:  But you want to know what’s really embarrassing? 

Me: …Maybe?

They showed me the text they’d composed to “save face” but didn’t send.

Client: if ur up u should be working

They were appropriately embarrassed and apologetic, but receiving that at 3:30 AM would be grounds for a firing.

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5000 Fresh design elements for $14 — (technically) 100% off!

Clients from Hell - 27 December 2020 - 4:00pm

This week’s deal is another absurdly large, incredibly useful bundle of resources for a ridiculous price.

> Seriously, at $14, technically this bundle is 100% off. 

Design elements are ultimately only as good as the designer using them, but with 5000 different fonts, vectors, illustrations backgrounds and more in this enormous bundle, a talented designer will save a lot of time and money producing professional products. Featuring a wide array of themes and subjects, this is a one-stop shop for the professional designer

Normally every element in this bundle would retail altogether for $3000 but this week only you can get all 5000 fonts, illustrations, photos and more for only $14, or I repeat, 100% off (with rounding). If one element in this bundle saves you one half-hour of design time (and it will), it’s already paid for itself. 

> Check out the deal here. 

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Small logo for small budget

Clients from Hell - 27 December 2020 - 3:00pm

Client: Hey, got your  reference form a photographer, I am starting a new smart phone accessory brand and need a funky neon color logo. How much do you charge?

Me: Logo design along with branding is INR 25,000

Client: It’s too costly, let me discuss with my mom and i ll get back to you.

Me: Ok.

Client: (5 Minutes later) Yaa, so i have a budget of only INR 5,000. Give me a small logo in that and remove all the branding.

Me: (laughs hysterically and hangs up)

[Editor’s Note: 1 USD = 73 Indian Indian Rupees, making their final budget about $6.85.]

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Urgent until no longer urgent

Clients from Hell - 27 December 2020 - 2:30pm

Client: Hi can you get that site going ASAP? It’s urgent.

Me: I’m just about to finish. Remember, it’s payment upon completion. 

Client: Of course. I’ll pay right after it’s done.

I finished the site and pushed it live. Then, weeks later:

Me: I’m still awaiting payment.

Client: I haven’t managed to make it to the bank. 

Right, because the only way you can transfer money these days is by going to the bank. 

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Casual Conversation

Clients from Hell - 26 December 2020 - 4:00pm

I’m an artist who usually takes commissions via Twitter DMs.

Client: Hi

Me: Hello! How can I help you?

Client: Not really

Me: Why did you message me then?

Client: Idk your messager was open

Okay then. Good talk.

 

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Need yesterday

Clients from Hell - 26 December 2020 - 3:00pm

Me: When do you need this?

Client: Yesterday.

Me: So it’s urgent, got it.

Client: So you can be done tomorrow?

Me: What? No. This will take a week at minimum.

Client: But I need it!

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I like to watch

Clients from Hell - 26 December 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: So, how does this work? Do you send me a stream link or…?

Me: What do you mean?

Client: Well, if I’m paying you, I want to watch you work to make sure I’m getting my money’s worth. Since you can’t be in the office, I assume that means you’ll record yourself working.

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Happy holidays!

Clients from Hell - 25 December 2020 - 2:00pm

Happy holidays from Clients From Hell! While not everybody celebrates December 25, all of you deserve a day off. Enjoy it! 

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Bah, humbug.

Clients from Hell - 24 December 2020 - 4:00pm

Client: I’ll be back to work on December 26, so if you can have this done by then I’d appreciate it. 

 

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Challenge yourself!

Clients from Hell - 24 December 2020 - 3:00pm

I had a client who, every time I told them something wasn’t possible would say:

Client: Challenge yourself!

Naturally, they also liked to challenge me every time I sent an invoice. 

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