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Hide and Seek

Clients from Hell - 27 July 2020 - 2:00pm

A few years ago, part of my job involved keeping a commonly-shared Excel spreadsheet updated with test cases and test outcomes.   

One day I decided to hide some of the columns temporarily.  I forgot to “unhide” them, then I saved the spreadsheet.  Dumb mistake, but no big deal, right?  

Client: DID YOU DELETE THOSE COLUMNS FROM THE SPREADSHEET?

Me: Oh!  No, but I DID hide them and accidentally saved the spreadsheet that way.  Sorry about that.

Client: Sorry?  SORRY? Have you any idea what you’ve done?

Me:  …but …it’s not that big a deal, is it?

Client: (looking like he wants to hit me)  Are you joking?  We’ve lost all that work!

Me:  The data isn’t lost – it’s just hidden.   

Boss:  What are you talking about?

Me: See?

I un-hid the columns. The client stomped away without another word.

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Get tools to sell the summer with awesome elements for only $7! 98% off!

Clients from Hell - 26 July 2020 - 3:00pm
Get tools to sell the summer with awesome elements for only $7! 98% off!

Summer is a feel. Capture that emotion with these awesome tools for only $7!

> Everybody loves the nostalgia of a perfect summer vacay. Design for that nostalgia. 

There are certain touchstones that scream “summer” for everybody, even if they’ve never personally experienced them. Just for example, there’s something timeless about the Polaroid photo – a sun-bleached image in a white frame of friends at the beach, or a vase of flowers in a window. You see that, you feel a glimmer of nostalgia for days gone by in the heat of the summer. This bundle gives you the power to MAKE those images, giving you tools like the easy Polaroid creator, poster paper mockups, window shades, and more!

Normally all these items would cost $380, but for the next week you can harness the feeling of summer for only $7.

> Check out the deal here. 

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User Submitted Post

Clients from Hell - 26 July 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: I want a clean simple design for my website, and it should be fast.

He approved the mock-up, I finished the work in a few days.

After the work was done:

Client: I don’t like it anymore. It should look more like Amazon, and eBay and AliExpress. 

Me: Okay, It will be a ton of extra work and will cost you $x extra.

Client: I am not paying that! Just copy-paste the design from Amazon. 

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<p>A client gave us a last-minute

Clients from Hell - 25 July 2020 - 3:00pm

A client gave us a last-minute request to get a file ready for a client so he could impress them. We worked all night to get it done, sent it off, and I got ready to go to the meeting. The client called at 8:30, an hour before our meeting:

Client: Where are you?

Me: Just had breakfast, leaving in 10 minutes.

Client: WHAT?

He started swearing, and calling me stupid and irresponsible.

Client: You won’t make it in time! You haven’t even sent the e-mail with the file! You should’ve sent it hours ago!

Me: We sent the e-mail at 7am to you and the external client.

Client: You did NOT. I didn’t receive it. I can’t believe this. You failed to do your job, this is not why I hired you!

Me: We’ll resend again.

Client: (continues screaming profanities)

I arrived at 9:21, and checked my email. The external client confirmed that they’d received the email at 7 AM. I showed up to the meeting and the client was there.

Client: They’ve received the e-mail.

He said this in a soft voice, almost – ALMOST – like he was admitting he was wrong to scream at me earlier.

Me: Cool. Did you receive it?

Client: I haven’t checked my email yet.

I fired the client as soon as the job was done.

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<p>Client: I want to change one small

Clients from Hell - 25 July 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: I want to change one small detail in the main title.

Me: That’s not really possible. The job has gone to print already.

Client: Yes, it is. You just need to change one plate!

Me: You really have no idea what you’re talking about, do you?

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<p>Client: (on Monday) We need the

Clients from Hell - 24 July 2020 - 3:00pm

Client: (on Monday) We need the first draft in 2 weeks.

Client: (on Wednesday) How soon will the first draft be ready?

Me: …Uhhh, in 2 weeks minus two days?

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spaghetti creative

Clients from Hell - 24 July 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: You see, what I find about you is, you’re very black and white, very to the point. You’re not creative enough. 

Me: Right, OK. 

Client: Meanwhile me, I’m like spaghetti, I’m all over the place and very creative.

Me: Oh ok. What was the problem with the videos?

Client: They say too many facts about the event. I want to SHOW the event.

Me: But the event hasn’t happened yet. 

Client: You know what I mean. I want EXCITEMENT.

Me: The video is full of footage from previous events, though.

Client: True, but that wasn’t this year’s event. I want to SHOW what THIS year’s event will be.

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<p>Client: Please submit work samples

Clients from Hell - 23 July 2020 - 3:00pm

Client: Please submit work samples so I know if you’re right for my project.

Me: Here is a link to my portfolio site. My hourly rate is [x] with 50% up-front. Let me know if I can answer any questions!

Client: Oh wow, I love your work! Would you mind lowering your price?

I declined. A month later I received a message from the client.

Client: I found someone who did great work for a fraction of your price, see look at how good he is!

They attached a thumbnail with the other person’s work.

Me: Very glad it worked out! My rate is still the same. Best of luck!

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Free work is worthless

Clients from Hell - 23 July 2020 - 2:00pm

I moved to a small town years ago, and when I did I volunteered to host and update a website for the local downtown business association; I figured this would put me in touch with local businesses and would be a good show of my work, so I did it for free.  

Over time, the business association started asking for more and more complex updates to the site that meant I couldn’t do it for free anymore.

Me: I’ve been happy to do this for you, but I’m unable to offer what want for free. I can send you a quote to build you a new website that does what you want.

Client: Great.

I put together a quote with potential features, timelines, everything. They called back furious.

Client: What’s this? I thought you were going to build us a website!

Me: No, I was only going to give you a quote for one. I’ll start building the site if you agree to the quote.

Client: But how do we know what your work is like from a quote?

Me: …The last two years of work I did for you, for free?

They refused. Since I was hosting the site and responsible for all its content, I eventually removed it.

Later I had to sue them for a map from the site that they used without permission or credit on a local newspaper promotion. 

I’ve learned from my naive ways and do nothing for free in the hopes of getting work.

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get rid of that triangle!

Clients from Hell - 22 July 2020 - 3:00pm

Client: Can you get rid of the triangle at the start of every video?

Me: There isn’t one. You don’t mean the play button, do you?

Client: Oh….

Three minutes later, after they’d checked:

Client: Yes it was the play button. I just prefer it at the bottom of the screen. Can you move it?

Me: (after laughing uncontrollaby for five minutes) Yeah I don’t have control over that. Maybe check your preferences.

 

 

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Missing Invoices

Clients from Hell - 22 July 2020 - 2:07pm

Me: Hi, we haven’t received a payment in over three months.

Client: I haven’t received any invoices from you so I don’t owe you anything.

Me: We send the same invoice for the same amount each month at the same time.

Client: Well I didn’t notice them so I don’t owe you.

Me: OK, we’ll need to start shutting down your services then.

Client: What? I depend on those to make money! I’ll send a payment in full.

Me: Thanks. Would you like a statement for all invoices?

Client: No, I found them.

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Synesthesia on demand

Clients from Hell - 21 July 2020 - 3:00pm

Client: Do whatever you want.  You’re the artist. You know what’s cool.

Me: Here you go! I think this is a really cool design.

Client: No, not this.

Me: Okay… this is an even cooler design. 

Client: Still not it. Let me be more specific: if there was a song that encapsulates how I envision the look and feel of the design I want, it would be Beyond by Daft Punk. Especially like the first 45 seconds of the track, like it’s an orchestral arrangement of the kind of music that plays when Mario defeats Koopa.

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User Submitted Post

Clients from Hell - 21 July 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: I just find when I go to a site and they’re trying to get information out of me right away, it just turns me off.

Word for word what he said. Later:

Client: I want the website to restrict people from getting past the homepage without filling out their information in this form.

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User Submitted Post

Clients from Hell - 20 July 2020 - 3:00pm

Client: Is 128 gsm art card thicker/firmer than 128 gsm paper?

Me: It is the same weight so will not be any different.

Client: BUT one is paper and the other is card. 

Me: …Card is paper.

Client: What? No, it’s not. 

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excelpoint

Clients from Hell - 20 July 2020 - 2:00pm

Many years ago, i worked at a Kinko’s (I know, all you designers are grinding your teeth just hearing the name), and one day, a customer brought in a “PowerPoint presentation” they wanted to be printed out.  The entire thing, all 50+ pages of it…was done in Excel.   With no print areas set, and no formatting.   If I had attempted to print it out, as is, none of it would have printed properly and would be mostly cut off the page.  

Client:  You can fix this up and have it ready for my presentation tomorrow, right?

Me: If I stayed here all night, and worked unpaid overtime?  Probably.  It’ll cost you about nearly $1000 for the time and effort required to fix it.  

Client: Nevermind!  I’ll just do it myself.

Never saw him again after that.  Sometimes you’ve gotta pick your battles, and quote a price that seems…believable, but is still more than they will pay.  

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Get the ultimate retro camping design kit for only $14!

Clients from Hell - 19 July 2020 - 3:00pm
Get the ultimate retro camping design kit for only $14!

So, camping is basically the only thing we can do safely these days, huh? Well, if you want to conjure the fun of the great outdoors, this bundle of 1100+ elements gives you everything you need for this timeless look. Scout’s honor! 

> The 1100+ elements in this bundle are perfect for the summer, especially THIS summer.

Whether you’re branding a beard oil, a line of t-shirts or just designing posters for the company team-building camping trip, this bundle is going to make your process a dream. Retro logo templates, free fonts, vector illustrations and more make it easy to whip up an ironic scout badge or a billboard for an adventure tourism company. I’m half tempted to get the bundle just to make labels for my home-brew. These elements are fun and specific and will save you time and money if you want to harness this look for a design.

Everything in this bundle retails for $415 regularly, but for just the next few days you can save 97% and get them all for $14

> Check out the deal here.

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Perpetuitee hee hee

Clients from Hell - 19 July 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: I can’t pay that much for this project.

Me: Okay, how about this- I give you a 40% discount and in return I get 10% royalties from any sales of the game, gross, in perpetuity.

Client: Make it a 50% discount and we’re good!

Me: Yeah, that sounds fine. Here’s the contract.

Client: …Once you’ve received full payment, all royalties would be cut, correct? There’s no mention in the contract of your royalties in perpetuity ending after you’ve made back your full original fee.

Somebody doesn’t know what “in perpetuity” means.

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In Business Or Not?

Clients from Hell - 18 July 2020 - 3:00pm

I applied for a contract sales job at a company, and there were several steps to the interview process. I practiced, studied, and passed the first step. The Hiring Manager was enthusiastic about my skills.

Soon after, I read in the news that the business was going bankrupt.

That was alarming, as I was scheduled for a follow-up interview soon.

I was intrigued to see what the hiring manager would say. I reached out to her for clarification, and let her know I would like to cancel the interview if the company was going out of business.

Client: So sorry, I didn’t even know our business was going bankrupt. Yes, let’s postpone this interview for a later time, until I hear more about what Management will do. Thanks for contacting us!

One day I’m dreaming about my potential new role, the next day the business might not exist. That’s how things go these days, I guess.

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User Submitted Post

Clients from Hell - 18 July 2020 - 2:00pm

Client: You see these nine pages of text?

Me: Yes.

Client: Can you squeeze them into one without altering the content?

Me: 

Client: And I’d like to add some graphics and titles.

I told them no. 

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<p>Client: Can you change the color of

Clients from Hell - 17 July 2020 - 3:00pm

Client: Can you change the color of the button?  That orange isn’t quite right.

Me: Sure, what color were you thinking about?

Client: I need you to use a color that compels the viewer to click on it.  A color that makes them feel like if they click on that color button, it will change their world and give them what they’ve always been looking for.  Make them see what I’m offering is what they need.  I want a color that frees the soul.

Me: So… a brighter orange?

Client: Sure.

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