Clients from Hell
This week’s deal is on the geometric font superfamily Publica!
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Normally all 54 fonts in this bundle would total $540, but for the next few days, you can save 97% and only pay $17 (which is a screaming deal for how useful and flexible these fonts are)!
Client: I need to do a recruitment ad to fit 180mm x 63mm, can you design one?
Me: Sure, can you provide the text.
They send me a 3-page word doc.
Me: I don’t think a 3-page word doc position description will fit in the ad size you provided. Can you reduce the message to 100 words?
Client: Wow, 100 words? That’s challenging. I can do my best to cut it to 290 words, will that work?
Me: No, 100 words maximum, and this is on 9 point size text which is already quite small.
Client: Hmm maybe you can reduce the font size to fit 290 words?
Me: I’d recommend you don’t do that, no one will be able to read the job advert.
Client: This is too hard, we need a comms person! I really don’t know how else I can reduce the text!
Me: Well, I’m a designer, not a writer. I’m just telling you what I need.
One day later, the client emailed a 150 words advert with the ‘do what you can’ attitude, implying I should solve their problem.
Client: I have a project for a kid’s book. It contains probably 500 simple pictures of objects like...
Client: I have a project for a kid’s book. It contains probably 500 simple pictures of objects like pencil, bus, eye… etc! Let me know if you’re interest.
Me: Thank you for reaching out to me. Can you please go into more detail about your project?
Client: The timeline is 1 to 2 months, and I would pay you lump sum instead of doing royalties.
I do the math. 500 drawings in 1-2 months. That’s about eight per day.
Me: With that extremely short timeline to make quite a lot of illustrations, I will at least need to be paid $25000 for the 500 illustrations alone.
Client: Is there an extra zero or you asked for twenty-five thousands?!
Me: No, I asked for $25,000. That equals out to $50 per illustration. If you want me to draw 500 illustrations in only a month or two that is my price.
I have yet to get a reply back from them. And here I was really looking forward to that paycheck… </sarcasm>
Client: I saw a painting I wanted but the price was $300. I’d never pay that much for a piece of art. That’s outrageous. I took a picture of it and want you to paint it for me.
Me: That’s not a bad price for an original painting. My price would be much higher.
Client: Then just do it digitally so it won’t cost you anything.
I do a lot of work for local bands.Client: DUDE! We need to send off the album tonight otherwise we...
I do a lot of work for local bands.
Client: DUDE! We need to send off the album tonight otherwise we won’t have it in time for the release show!
Me: Okay, I’m actually free tonight so I can work on it.
Client: Can you put the tracklist on the back like we talked about?
Me: Yeah, I just need the names of the songs and credits to fill in at the bottom if you could send that over.
Client: *Seen at 6:53pm*
I’m still waiting. He originally said the CD company takes 4-6 weeks for turnaround. The album release is in about 2 weeks, and I still haven’t heard back.
One of my first creative direction jobs was with a medium-sized agency. The client was a construction firm, and the agency owner offered to do a logo for them pro bono. First red flag.
Things were slow in the shop, so the owner threw a lot of resources at the project. She gave me three designers to work with and, as this was their only project, they really went at it.
For internal review, we went through an amazing number of sketches and from these showed the agency owner probably twenty different directions. She was delighted with the work and picked a dozen for presentation. I argued for less, but she insisted on showing the client “how hard we are working for him” (by confusing him, apparently). Second red flag.
So we tightened up the concepts and I went to the client meeting with the senior designer. When we got there, in addition to the client, he had surprised us by inviting his five (!) vice presidents too, “just to get their feedback.” Third red flag.
Most of the group were pretty easy. They made normal, reasonable client comments, we took a lot of notes and asked clarifying questions. But consistently, there was one guy at the end of the table who hated all 12 directions
“That just sucks,” he would say. Or “I can’t believe you’d be willing to show something this horrible.” But best of all was “That looks like a dog pissing on a flat rock.”
Punchline: Turns out the flat rock guy had a wife who almost went to art school, and he was trying to get the project for her.
We never did finish the logo, but at least the dog-pissing-on-a-flat-rock comment became a staple of internal review meetings for years afterwards.
When I was starting off as a freelance copywriter, one of my first clients wanted a one-page ad written. They wanted to do design and production in-house, which should have been a red flag right there.
So, typical ad– concept, headlines, a couple drafts, and minor corrections. I quote the job based on my hourly rate.
Client: This seems like an awful lot of hours. Do you really type that slow?
Client: Needs less white space.
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I was working on a site for a private equity firm that deals in healthy living consumer packaged goods and was asked to change the banner to something “food or healthy living focused.”
First I tried a photo of a lady doing yoga on a cliff:
Client: We want there to be food in it.
So then I tried an image of a fancy smoothie with fruit on top.
Client: That’s LITERALLY food, not what we’re looking for.
I’m still not sure where to find stock photos of “figurative food.”
- Referring to text on a flyer that is A) black on white and B) bold.
Client: We have a problem.Me: How can I help?Client: I just emailed all of this information over to...
Client: We have a problem.
Me: How can I help?
Client: I just emailed all of this information over to you but I wanted to call just to be sure because this is bad. REAL BAD.
Me: OK, what’s up?
Client: At about 2:30 am this morning I got an automated email from my ISP saying the internet in my area is down and they do not know when it will be back up. This is real trouble. We have a ton of stuff we have to get done today.
Me: This email says it was sent from your Outlook.
Client: Yes, I just sent it to you.
Me: From your office?
Client: I’m stupid.
Me: Happens to the best of us.
Client: We want all three of our websites to be shut down immediately!
Me: May I know why?
Client: There are some typos in the text.
For the record, they gave me the text. I just published it.
Let’s imagine that, say, the Washington Post shutting down because there are some typos in the content.
I’m a designer who specializes in cover artwork. This client was really excited to work with me after seeing with my portfolio, and wanted a cover image for an upcoming project. He wanted a mixed media, “painterly” vibe.
Me: Because of the scope of this cover, it will take at least a full week for me to be able to get you the first version.
Client: That’s fine, take your time no rush. I like your work and we’ll like you to take your time.
Me: Here’s what i’ve come up with please review and let me know if there’s anything you’d like to change
Client: I love the concept and all the sleeves, my only concern is that the guitar used on the front cover is not the right one.
Me: Ok no problem please send me a picture of the exact guitar you want to see on the cover and I’ll make some modifications.
Me: Please send me the exact image of the guitar you’d like me to use.
Client: I’m heading to a gig. I send it to you tomorrow
Day 7, the client finally sends that image.
Client: Here’s the guitar I’d like you to use.
Me: No problem, I’ll get to work.
Me: Please have a look at this updated draft of the front and confirm that this is the right guitar. And I will proceed with the sleeves
Me: Did you get my message from yesterday? I sent you a draft. please confirm that the guitar is the right one.
Client: (sends same image again) Here’s the guitar I want you to use.
Me: Did you get my last two messages and the drafts I sent you? Can you please confirm that this is the right guitar? I need to know before I put in another set of hours into the cover and I can’t take back.
Client: I am sorry but I’m getting frustrated. I’m running out of time and the guitar is still the same.
Me: I’m sorry you to hear that. Did you get the drafts? Please Confirm.
Day 18. Still waiting for response…
I collect data and arrange reports for a company. After five years of constantly training my clients...
I collect data and arrange reports for a company. After five years of constantly training my clients in several data collection programs and failing miserably (due to fear-of-scary-computer problems), I finally decided to make this easier on them and set up a data collection spreadsheet on Google Sheets. This way they can just log in, put their data in and I can see it in real time. It’s the simplest thing I can think of and I thought I wouldn’t get any more problems.
Client: Okay, I’ve finished my data entry for June. How do I save?
Me: You don’t have to, Google saves it automatically.
Client: Oh, really? Cool!
Client: I’ve finished my data entry for July. How do I save?
Me: Wait, what? I told you, Google saves it automatically.
Client: Oh right!
Month after that.
Client: I’ve just finished my data entry for August. How do I save?
This week’s deal is on Celestial, a Victorian typeface with TONS of extra features!
Celestial isn’t just a font; it comes packed with hundreds of ornaments and borders, making it easy to make a beautiful, intricate Victorian-era design! And that’s not to mention all the OpenType features you expect, nay, demand. It’s the perfect typeface for beer labels, grooming product packaging, steampunk convention posters… this one’s got possibilities.
Normally Celestial retails for $18, but if you buy this week you’ll only pay half that. $9 is nothing when you sell a design using it for 50x times that amount (or more!).
"What do you mean you need to talk with the lawyer to get the details of the case? Look, I have a..."
"Can you help with the website, I have no idea what I did yesterday, I think I clicked on updates. I..."
I’m a freelance web designer, many of my clients are small businesses or individuals who aren’t particularly tech-y and I enjoy helping, but my patience is running thin with this one…
I am currently sending out my (not expensive) hosting invoices for the year. The client is relocating to a new town, but doesn’t seem to understand how the internet works. I’m afraid my answer was a bit blunt.
Client: Would it be possible to have a temporary freeze of the website so I just have web page based in (new location)? Until I build up enough clients, I will struggle with your fees. I would be grateful if you could advise me to what is viable at a challenging time.
Me: For the website itself I can either take it offline and not charge you any hosting or keep it online and hosting charges will apply. I can’t make it live just in (new location), or partially live, it is either live or not. While I sympathize with moving being a challenging time I can’t change the way the internet works.