Clients from Hell
A asked me to redo their website. I offered a lower hourly price than my normal hourly because it was a long term project.
Client: Is there any way we could get you full time?
Me: I have other clients, and I wouldn’t be able to do any work for them. They pay more per hour. I’d lose money.
So the client made me a proposal for full time – at $4.00 LESS per hour.
Client: With taxes we’d be paying the same amount per hour, so that would be fair, right?
Me: So in exchange for losing money from my other clients, you’re offering to pay me less?
Client: Yeah, but at full time.
Client: I would like the logo to be more horizontal than rectangular.
The post Well I would like you to more articulate than dumb. appeared first on Clients From Hell.
I’d been hounding a client for weeks to get me information I needed to put together a product catalogue. They never, ever did, and said I should “work around it.”
I was designing the document, so I did my best with the scant information I had and assumed that they could fill in the content.
I sent them a review draft and… they printed it. They sent it to the printer. They just printed the damned thing.
Client: This is full of errors! I’m not paying you for this. This cost a lot of money to print, and now we have to throw this all away!
Me: So your username is your employee number, without the “e” and with an extra zero on the end.
Client: Is that a capital zero? Or just the little one?
Me: Just the number, zero.
Client: So upper case?
A CLASSIC from the Clients From Hell archives!
Monday morning. I don’t check my work email on the weekends, and I make sure my clients know that.
I had 57 emails and forwards from the same client, getting increasingly desparate.
Client: WHERE ARE YOU? I need you on this. The deadline is approaching!
The deadline was in two weeks, and we were in the final review stage.
This week’s deal is on 1800+ elements in the Memphis design style – the loud, fun and vibrant look that made the 80s and 90s such a good time.
Created in 1981 the Memphis style defined the sensibilities of the next decade and a half. Meant to rally against “good taste” and create something fun and unique, Memphis style prioritized bright colors and big angular shapes, Memphis is utterly iconic and went on to inspire classics of children’s television like Pee-Wee’s Playhouse and Rocko’s Modern Life. This bundle combines 12 sets that add up to over 1800 elements that will let you master creating Memphis designs.
Normally all 12 of these bundles would sell for $206, but for the next week you can get all 1800+ for just $15. That’s a pittance to add this exciting look to your arsenal.
The post Harness the wild world of the 80s with the Memphis design bundle for only $15! 92% off! appeared first on Clients From Hell.
Client: I found a typo on the “About Us” page. When I hired you to design this page, I expected to be able to trust you – this has completely eroded that foundation. We’re pushing the deadline so that you can perform a complete review, and I will be checking your work.
The worst part? The typo was in copy THEY provided.
Client: I need you to reformat this so that it matches our new marketing and logo redesign.
Me: Okay. Can you send the new logo and some samples of your new marketing?
Client: Oh, we’re still deciding on that internally. Can’t you just take a few guesses in the meantime?
I was making characters in a motion graphics video diverse, at the request of the client – who wanted very badly to be “woke,” but wasn’t quite getting it.
Client: Can we make the police officer white instead of black, and the teacher black instead of white? It just seems like the person of color is the one risking their life and protecting the other person while the white person has a safe indoor teaching job.
Client: I thought this document was finished! The alignment is all over the place and it looks terrible!
He’d opened my PDF as a Google Doc because he didn’t have Reader and wanted to make edits.
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A very difficult and picky client was looking for voiceover talent. She did not want to pay very much but wanted someone “who sounds like James Earl Jones.”
By some miracle, the talent company found someone who sounded almost exactly like the real James Earl Jones. I excitedly played the clip for the client. Her response? “Ewww. No. He sounds black.”
A “yikes” moment from the Clients From Hell archive.
Soon after hanging out my own shingle, I met with the wealthy sister of an existing client for a short term gig. So, yeah, there were two reasons to feel obliged to drive an hour both ways for our breakfast meeting. I ordered coffee. She ordered an egg. One. Egg. OK, whatever.
The food arrives, and what was a actually a decent conversation ground immediately to a halt. Why? The egg wasn’t poached. Not that she requested as much.
She whispered – in retrospect, I would say HISSED — to her partner:
Client: Get the waiter over here.
Waiter: Yes, ma’am?
Client: I can’t eat this. It’s not poached.
Waiter: We don’t make eggs that way here.
Client: WHAT?! What kind of restaurant doesn’t make poached eggs?
Waiter: Ma’am, I’m sorry but…
Client: (through clenched teeth) TAKE. IT. OFF. MY. BILL. AND I WANT TO SPEAK WITH THE MANAGER. NOW.
A single egg was just a dollar Her partner started curling into a sad embarrassed shell of a man. His shoulders very nearly met over his breastbone.
Hilarious when I think back on it. Also instructive, but then hindsight is 20-20 — because I did wind up working for her. I have a multiple choice question for you. Said Mercedes-driving, inheritance-privileged harpy paid my invoice:
B) 90 days later
C) After 22 months, following numerous polite requests, then threats of legal action.
If you guessed C), you’re right. But, please, spare me the “agreement and down payment” tut-tut. I learned my lesson long ago.Yikes. What’s the biggest red flag you’ve ever encountered?
Client: Do what you think will look best.
I do what I think will look best.
Client: It’s horrible. The color is all wrong, the font isn’t what I wanted, and it should look like it’s a chat bubble.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, TELL ME!
I have told my client several times that we can’t just Google an image and plug that on our website or printed materials. Yet, she still does.
Finally, we saw some backlash because of it. A large newspaper called us and told our eMedia specialist that if we didn’t take a certain image down, they would sue us. I thought for sure this would teach the client. Instead, she told him to Google another image to replace it with.
Me: I will just need a vector file of your logo before I can get those mock-ups going for you.
Client: Here is my logo. Could you also remove the text off of the logo?
Me: Sure. This is a jpeg though. I will need a vector file for printing and to remove the text.
Client: Can’t you just add a new layer and paint over it?
Me: Well, yes, I suppose. But I will still need the vector file for printing, this image isn’t high enough resolution for what you’re looking to print.
Client: Can’t you just turn the resolution up in Photoshop?
Me: It doesn’t work that way. The image will still be low quality and pixilated.
Client: Well I’m not at home right now so I can’t send you the file. Just go on Google Images and look for it, that’s how I found it.
Client: I’d like an animated Gif for our latest eshot please, but please use the same image on every frame of the gif.
Me: Erm, that wouldn’t be animated if all the frames are the same.
Client: But I just want the one image as an animated gif. I want each frame of the gif EXACTLY the same.
Me: OK, here’s your animated static gif.